The Well-Defended Woman
It is common knowledge that when it comes to standing up for oneself, many women have been taught to pull their punches, in the classroom, in the workplace, in the home, and on the streets. In fact, one highly effective way to prevent most sexual assaults is to scream loudly, fight back whenever possible, with any object at hand, and run. Part of any assault is psychologically-based. Criminals look for people who seem unaware of their surroundings or who seem to lack confidence. Assailants count on women to be “polite” even when being pressured or attacked, and often back off or run away themselves when faced by a “victim” who fights back.
Modern day weapons have made it easier than ever for women to defend themselves. Affordable weapons are also portable. You can carry mace or a stun gun in your purse or pocket: either weapon can temporarily disable an opponent, giving you time for escape. Mace and pepper spray come in a variety of containers, some even camouflaged as everyday objects. Stun guns are available in different sizes and shapes: any of them can bring an assailant to the ground with minimal effort on your part.
While it is a good policy to fight aggressively when attacked, it isn’t a fail-safe policy. Some attackers are less fearful and more aggressive: in cases where an attacker has a weapon and seems willing to use it, fighting back may increase his aggression. Some women feel it is better to fight and lose than to put oneself into the hands of the attacker: if the situation occurs, each person has to trust her instincts and hope for the best.
Although men tend to have greater upper-body strength than women, women often have greater lower-body strength than men. Use that lower-body strength to your advantage. Kicking can help temporarily disable an assailant, giving you time to get away and yell for help. A kick in the crotch is effective: done right, it will send an attacker to the ground and keep him there long enough for you to run. That’s the kick you see in the movies, but you may also be able to kick him in the ankle, the shins, or stamp on his instep. We’ve all barked a shin or an ankle on a piece of furniture: the pain can be intense.
Self-defense classes have probably done more to increase women’s self-confidence than all the assertiveness-training seminars of the 1970’s combined. You don’t have to study for years at an esoteric Asian martial art to make yourself safer: a week or two of training can teach you the basic skills you need to protect yourself in all but the most unusual situations. Women’s shelters, community colleges, adult education programs and private seminars combine tips and practice on physical self-defense with strategies for projecting a confident image, noticing when you may be in danger, getting help, and stopping assault. Being in shape can help as well. A class in aerobics can give you more strengtht, speed and stamina in the event you need to run or defend against a potential attacker.
Security Dating
Most sexual assaults are not committed by strangers, but by people we already know. A few stupid or uneducated men really believe that women “Say yes, but mean no”. Many other men know that isn’t true, but pretend to believe it so they can feel all right about forcing sex on women they know. Either way, dating provides an environment where sexual assault can occur: two people who don’t know each other very well are spending time together, usually alone.
In the Greek system at universities, date-rape is frighteningly common: girls know that if they don’t have sex, they won’t be popular. In the past decade, fraternity parties have created another nasty rape scenario: men spike women’s drinks with drugs that leave them unconscious, and assault them when they can’t fight back. (Never take a drink from someone you don’t know well and have excellent reasons for trusting. If you go to college parties or night-clubs, stay with other women and watch out for each other.)
Many date-rapes (or “acquaintance” rapes) can be prevented if girls and women are taught to stop worrying about causing offense to a date, and if they learn to resist with their whole bodies while repeating “No!” as loudly as they can. Too many women struggle silently: training since infancy tells us women should be “quiet”. In the case of forcible rape, or rape at gun or knife-point, resistance may result in further violence, but too many men assault women simply be being insistent and insensitive. Their dates (especially younger women who lack self-confidence) finally just give in, to keep from angering the man. Fighting back lets a would-be acquaintance rapist know that you are completely serious: instead of only hearing what he wants to hear, he may hear what you have to say.
We are all taught to fear the “stranger”, which is ironic, when statistics on sexual assault show that more often than not, the rapist is someone the victim knows. Modern dating customs imply that sex occurs on or after a third date, and some men actually believe that if a woman goes out with them for the third time, she “owes” him. In the vague way that people know each other early in a dating relationship, it is difficult to know whether someone can be trusted: many women err on the side of trusting, putting themselves at risk.
Many women who have been assaulted realized later that all their senses were telling them something bad was about to happen, but that they ignored or discounted those important feelings. Whether you’re walking on the street, standing on the subway, or saying goodnight to a date, the feelings that tell you something is wrong are a woman’s early warning system, and should never be ignored. You can chalk it up to “intuition”, but psychologists agree that women learn from childhood to gauge others’ feelings and intentions based on clues so subtle, we often don’t even know what they are. Still, these feelings are valid, and can protect you if you listen to them. A date who acts too familiar, says things that make you uncomfortable, touches you in ways that don’t feel right and ignores your cues to back off is a potential date-rapist. Get away as soon as you can. Enlist a friend to come and get you, or just get a taxi and leave. If you’re home, tell him to leave, and if he won’t, get yourself out of there. Go to a neighbor, or just leave the house entirely, and call the police.
Diversionary Tactics & Making a Scene
Some assaults have been prevented because a woman made up lies, surprised the assailant, or screamed the house down. One story has it that a woman was walking home from a party that was just down the block, when a man emerged from the hedges and grabbed her arm. He said something like,” You’re coming with me,” and she put her arms around him, saying, “Great. Let me just get my purse.” He was so gratified that his would-be victim was apparently attracted to him, that he fell for the story. She ran back to the party and screamed and screamed. She lied. She made a lot of noise. She didn’t get hurt.
There are two schools of thought about how victims should behave during a crime. One is that, if someone has a weapon, you’ll go along with him, and maybe you won’t get hurt. In a robbery, where the criminal’s motivation is to get the loot and get away, it probably is reasonable to go along. But in a sexual assault, the motivation is to hurt, humiliate and control another person. If I guy pulls a gun on you and orders you into a car, chances are things are going to get worse. Screaming for help might frighten him off. It might get you shot, but getting into the car just means that later on, you might get shot anyway. In the old movies, you got into a car when someone told you to: but those were the movies.
Screaming is a great defense strategy. Not a polite little “eek!” but a long, loud, ear-shattering scream, let loose the minute you sense danger. It serves many purposes: if you can get yourself to produce such a scream, its energy will help release your power rather than locking it down into fear. (That’s why most martial arts have particular protocols for shouts, snarls and yells. They create momentum and channel power to where you need it most.) A loud scream (or better yet, a defiant yell) will alert the surrounding neighborhood to the fact that you’re in trouble. It will also unnerve your opponent.
If you worry that you’ll scream at the wrong man by accident, offending the Culligan man who means you no harm at all, stop worrying. If you screamed a thousand different times when you felt unsafe, you might be mistaken once. Your senses will tell you when trouble is afoot. And the one mistake? Who cares? It’s not like you assaulted anyone!
Your Purse as a Weapon
As far as a womens apparel accessory goes, a big purse is more than a container for a lot of lipsticks and a bottle of water. When wielded with determination, it’s a formidable blackjack. It can also contain crime-fighting apparatus like mace or pepper spray. If you feel unsafe, walking with your hand on your pepper spray is a good idea. There are few deterrents as effective as a face full of stinging, blinding liquid.
Like any weapon, pepper spray or mace relies on your willingness and ability to use it. Don’t bother to threaten someone with pepper spray: if that person means you harm, it will make him mad and he may just take it away from you. Use it first, quickly, and ask questions later. Don’t be sparing, either: you want your assailant completely incapacitated.
You probably aren’t warding off assaults every day, so if you use a big blast of it, you won’t run out before you can replenish your supply. For basic safety reasons, keep your spray away from where children can get it. Also, make it the only spray in your purse so there’s no question about what you’re touching when you reach for it. Keep it accessible: don’t put it in a locked compartment, or if you do, make sure and free it up before leaving the house.
Stun guns and TASERs can be useful, but only if you make sure you are educated and trained in their proper use. If you aren’t assertive, an assailant may manage to take your weapon away from you. If you feel you need a weapon that goes a step beyond pepper spray, research the best kind for your lifestyle, make sure you feel comfortable using it by taking a class or seminar, and keep it accessible and ready-to-use.
Summary
There are many things you can do to maximize your safety. While there’s never a guarantee, by being aware, getting training and responding quickly and with force, you can be as safe as possible.
- Take a self-defense class
- Be careful on dates
- Don’t drink with strangers
- Trust your feelings and follow through with them
- Use diversions
- Don’t be afraid to scream and to get help
- Kick and fight while screaming
- Run away if you can.
- Carry pepper spray or mace
- If considering a stun gun or TASER, make sure you are well-trained in its use.
